When we all lived here in the 1950s, my father was struck to see me and my friends shaking hands as we said goodbye on our way home from school. He talked about it long after we had returned to Canada. What I can't remember and what he never mentioned was whether we also kissed. Perhaps this habit had not become as common in France as it is today. Most North Americans can handle the French handshake which happens whenever you meet anyone and when you leave them. But the French kiss . . . ? The Internet is full of Anglo-Saxon angst about when, who, how many times to kiss. And it would seem, this is something that bothers the French as well. Gilles Dubunne, set up a website in 2007 (http://combiendebises.free.fr/) to get answers from his compatriots about the number of 'bises' or kisses that are the norm in their département. After 18,000 votes he is beginning to have some answers. As there are 100 départements, there is room for disagreement and that is exactly what he has found. The numbers vary from one bise (only two départements, Finistère and Deux-Sevres) to four ( 23 départements). We were surprised to find that we live in three bises territory as everyone we know only does two. Perhaps it's because most of the people we have met come from other départements? It may be reassuring to note that the majority of the country is two bises land so unless you go to Finistère or Deux-Sevres, you can relax with two and hope for the best.
Who? and When? are more difficult. I have read that you shouldn't kiss anyone who is much older than yourself unless they initiate it. I have yet to be in that situation however it seemed like very good general advice. And it has worked. I wait, trying to take a relaxed stance so that I can be pulled forward for the bise if it is to happen. If you are a woman, it is a bit like being led in dancing: follow the lead of the partner. This relaxed stance technique also avoids the problem of which cheek to begin on as the other person takes the lead on that as well.
I thought that I had worked out the 'when in the relationship do you begin to kiss?' question. The rule seemed to me that once you have met someone and spent time with them e.g. a dinner party, having coffee with mutual friends, you should be ready for the bise when you say goodbye. However, there seems to be a corollary to this: if you are a stranger in a group of people who all know each other, be ready to be bised upon introduction!
I have found no discussions on the interesting dilemma of how much kissing noise it is polite to make. So I will give you my observations on this little discussed issue of les bises. In Canada, if one kisses at all, it is silent. I think it would be deemed bad manners to make any sort of noise, although there may be a dispensation on this if you are kissing a baby or very small child. In France, this is not at all the case. The smacking noise is definitely part of the process! It should not be too loud or long but definitely some noise is allowed and perhaps expected. And, unless you are meeting a very good friend, a hug doesn't really go with the bise. Generally, you will be shaking hands at same time but if that is not happening, just lightly touch the person's shoulder.
Of course, there is endless speculation about the meaning of all this kissing. In my experience here, when men and women kiss, there are no sexual overtones. I have carefully watched adolescents and university students and it is clear that among them, this is not a time for a quick grope. I see the custom as typical of this more formal and conversely, more intimate society. The greeting of people is important and there is a set way of doing it. You should never enter a shop without saying: "Bonjour, Messieurs, 'dames" or leave without saying "Au revoir". But when greeting people you know, the formality includes the warmth of a friendly kiss. It may also be additional evidence of the French ability to take time for the small things in life. Begin to imagine, oh North American reader, going to a party where 20 of your friends are gathered. Now imagine making the rounds, shaking hands and kissing every one of them at least twice. Now go one step further and imagine a work meeting. Here you would do the same rounds. The possible exception would be your boss. Just to make this custom more complicated, there is a social class distinction in la bise. I was told recently that you should not initiate a bise with anyone of a higher status than yourself and that the upper class never kisses more than twice. Just when I thought it was all clear!!
La bise is another French custom that we have learned to enjoy. It may stick with us for a while when we return to Canada. So be warned, the first few times we see you, we will be reaching for your hand to shake it and your cheek to kiss!
Here are two youtube clips, one in French and one in English to clarify this complicated and lovely custom.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quV0o0bib-k&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9m0OEpE0z8
